NAMES
• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
FW: GENERAL MOTORS reply to BILL GATES... :)
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release Stating: "If GM had developed technology like microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part, esp 7th point and 10'th point):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would ! run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed an Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. (Read CTR-ALT-DEL)
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Stages of an Orkut account
Pappu (real name "Harsha") opens an Orkut account.
Stage 1:
Pappu is called as "Pappu" and is 16 years old, have just cleared 10th standard exam. He opens an Orkut account.
About Me: Some "sher" explaining friendship and love.
Profile picture: Hritik or Shahid's photo
Album: Katrina, Ayesha Takia, Amrita Raos photos, Pics of Shah Rukh Khans home
Scraps: More "sher"s explaining all the philosophy in the world and claiming that Friendship and Love are the most important things in life.
Friends: Invitation sent to each and everyone on Orkut.
Communities: 10th standard batch community, Some brazilian community, Tendulkar / Federer fan community, Sunsign / Moonsign community
Testimonial: Messages like "hoz u" / "wch col" / "hi !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... u thr ..... tc" will be in the testimonials.
Stage 2:
Pappu has completed his bachelors. He is now called as Harsha by everyone. He has got a job in a good company.
About Me: Only in this stage about me is really "About me". Its full of what Harsha likes, what he doesnt like, what he does in his spare time etc etc.
Profile pic: Harsha wearing goggle on some fort / tourist spot.
Album: Harsha and gang visiting each and every Multiplex / Fort / Water Fall in 100 km radius on bike.
Scraps: Mainly this scrap from Girls "Do I know you ?"
Friends: All the school, college batch mates, all the girls who are open to accept friend requests
Communities: "Name Beginning with", "Surname beginning with", Company community, College community
Testimonial: Testimonial claiming how is he the "GD" of at least three guys and how average he is and how he could be a good BF.
Stage 3:
Harsha has now 5 years of work exp. He has been "onsite" once. His hair line is receding. And his parents are now "actively" looking for a girl for him.
About Me: A very formal about me. Telling everyone where he works and his age and his hobbies.
Profile pic: Harsha in formals attending some cousins wedding / In front of some famous building in US
Album: Full of Onsite pics. This includes pics of the famous buildings, roads in US, bikes and cars in US, US hotel room photos
Scraps: Mainly scraps from girls looking for a good husband. Occasional scraps from school / college batch mates who are planning re union (which never happens)
Friends: Very few additions to the friend list. Mainly people from the company.
Communities: Community for his caste / sub caste
Testimonial: No new testimonials.
Stage 4 :
Harsha is now married for 2 months.
About Me: No about me.
Profile pic: Harsha and his wife on honeymoon. Holding each other on some hill top.
Album: Full of Marriage and Honeymoon pics. In all the pics the couple is standing extremely close to each other. Very rarely anything other than the couple is seen in the pics.
Scraps: Scrap by almost everyone in the friend list congratulating on his marriage.
Friends: Additions to the friend list are people from his wifes family. Typically a "Saali" or "Saala".
Communities: No addition to the communities.
Testimonial: "Saali" writes testimonial for her "Jiju".
Stage 5:
Harsha is now married for 2 years.
About Me: Some management / Philosophical/ "Self Help" type of funda.
Profile pic: The marriage pic.
Album: School and college farewell party, pics with the friends from first company when Harsha's waist was 28 (Now its 34 threatening to reach 36)
Scraps: Thank you scraps for the B'day wishes Harsha has sent.
Friends: No additions to the friend list.
Communities: No addition to the communities.
Testimonial: No testimonials.
Stage 6:
Harsha and his wife now have a baby.
About Me: Nothing.
Profile pic: Kids photo
Album: Only the kids snaps.
Scraps: "Congratulations for the Gods gift" type of scraps.
Friends: No additions.
Communities: No addition to the communities.
Testimonial: No testimonials.
And after this everything is about the Kid and Wife and Harsha is not living for himself but he is living for his parents / wife / kids. Nowadays Harsha spends more time on "LinkedIn" than on Orkut :)
Stage 1:
Pappu is called as "Pappu" and is 16 years old, have just cleared 10th standard exam. He opens an Orkut account.
About Me: Some "sher" explaining friendship and love.
Profile picture: Hritik or Shahid's photo
Album: Katrina, Ayesha Takia, Amrita Raos photos, Pics of Shah Rukh Khans home
Scraps: More "sher"s explaining all the philosophy in the world and claiming that Friendship and Love are the most important things in life.
Friends: Invitation sent to each and everyone on Orkut.
Communities: 10th standard batch community, Some brazilian community, Tendulkar / Federer fan community, Sunsign / Moonsign community
Testimonial: Messages like "hoz u" / "wch col" / "hi !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ... u thr ..... tc" will be in the testimonials.
Stage 2:
Pappu has completed his bachelors. He is now called as Harsha by everyone. He has got a job in a good company.
About Me: Only in this stage about me is really "About me". Its full of what Harsha likes, what he doesnt like, what he does in his spare time etc etc.
Profile pic: Harsha wearing goggle on some fort / tourist spot.
Album: Harsha and gang visiting each and every Multiplex / Fort / Water Fall in 100 km radius on bike.
Scraps: Mainly this scrap from Girls "Do I know you ?"
Friends: All the school, college batch mates, all the girls who are open to accept friend requests
Communities: "Name Beginning with", "Surname beginning with", Company community, College community
Testimonial: Testimonial claiming how is he the "GD" of at least three guys and how average he is and how he could be a good BF.
Stage 3:
Harsha has now 5 years of work exp. He has been "onsite" once. His hair line is receding. And his parents are now "actively" looking for a girl for him.
About Me: A very formal about me. Telling everyone where he works and his age and his hobbies.
Profile pic: Harsha in formals attending some cousins wedding / In front of some famous building in US
Album: Full of Onsite pics. This includes pics of the famous buildings, roads in US, bikes and cars in US, US hotel room photos
Scraps: Mainly scraps from girls looking for a good husband. Occasional scraps from school / college batch mates who are planning re union (which never happens)
Friends: Very few additions to the friend list. Mainly people from the company.
Communities: Community for his caste / sub caste
Testimonial: No new testimonials.
Stage 4 :
Harsha is now married for 2 months.
About Me: No about me.
Profile pic: Harsha and his wife on honeymoon. Holding each other on some hill top.
Album: Full of Marriage and Honeymoon pics. In all the pics the couple is standing extremely close to each other. Very rarely anything other than the couple is seen in the pics.
Scraps: Scrap by almost everyone in the friend list congratulating on his marriage.
Friends: Additions to the friend list are people from his wifes family. Typically a "Saali" or "Saala".
Communities: No addition to the communities.
Testimonial: "Saali" writes testimonial for her "Jiju".
Stage 5:
Harsha is now married for 2 years.
About Me: Some management / Philosophical/ "Self Help" type of funda.
Profile pic: The marriage pic.
Album: School and college farewell party, pics with the friends from first company when Harsha's waist was 28 (Now its 34 threatening to reach 36)
Scraps: Thank you scraps for the B'day wishes Harsha has sent.
Friends: No additions to the friend list.
Communities: No addition to the communities.
Testimonial: No testimonials.
Stage 6:
Harsha and his wife now have a baby.
About Me: Nothing.
Profile pic: Kids photo
Album: Only the kids snaps.
Scraps: "Congratulations for the Gods gift" type of scraps.
Friends: No additions.
Communities: No addition to the communities.
Testimonial: No testimonials.
And after this everything is about the Kid and Wife and Harsha is not living for himself but he is living for his parents / wife / kids. Nowadays Harsha spends more time on "LinkedIn" than on Orkut :)
How to Identify Citizens of India
Scenario 1
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on.
That's MUMBAI
----------------------------------------
Scenario 2
Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on
their mobiles. Now 50 guys are fighting.
You are definitely in PUNJAB !!!
----------------------------------------
Scenario 3
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along and tries to make peace.
The first two get together and beat him up.
That's DELHI
----------------------------------------
Scenario 4
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch.
A guy comes along and quietly opens a Chai-stall. (Tea-Stall)
That's AHMEDABAD
----------------------------------------
Scenario 5
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes.
He writes a software program to stop the fight.
But the fight doesn't stop because of a virus in the program.
That's BANGALORE
----------------------------------------
Scenario 6
Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch.
A guy comes along and quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this nonsense.. (Mother Hen)
Peace settles in...
That's CHENNAI
----------------------------------------
Scenario 7
Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, then a fourth
and they start arguing about who's right.
You are in KOLKATA
----------------------------------------
Scenario 8
Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes from nearby house and says,
"don't fight in front of my place, go sum where else and keep fighting".
That's KERALA !
----------------------------------------
And the award goes to ......
Scenario 9
Two guys are fighting. Third guy comes along with a carton of beer.
All sit together drinking beer and abusing each other and all go home as friends.
You are in GOA !!!______________
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